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The search for meaning is as old as humanity. It is partly what defines human begins as distinct from other forms of life on earth. The search has been through spiritual growth and understanding, and the search for deities and stories that explain the universe and the human condition. Ancient philosophies and systems developed prayer and reflection, mediation and ritual. In every society and ever age since humans have left their mark, there is evidence of this search for meaning. We are all affected in some way now, whether at a conscious or unconscious level by the beliefs and stories of the Hebrews, of the ancient Greeks, of Eastern philosophers, of the Aboriginals of the Americans and the South Pacific and the tribes of Africa, of the religions of Judaism, Hinduism, Islam, Christianity, Buddhism and many other.
As a child I was fascinated with characters like the young shepherd boy David who single-handedly defeated the giant Goliath with a slingshot and thereby helped the Hebrews conquer the Philistines. I recall trying to make a slingshot with a piece of bandage and a pebble. It never worked well and I missed my target and the whole point of the story. But that didn't matter at the time. What I construed at a deeper level was that I might not be as insignificant as I thought I was. After all, if David could do that and later on become king of Israel, didn't it mean that I might get to be someone of significance? The stories and symbology of Jesus left me with one important message, that of loving your neighbour as yourself. I had no idea what that meant. Loving myself was not something I could grasp. How could I love my nighbours? I didn't even know them? Yet love as a concept stayed with me until, through a process of awakening what had been dormant for so long, I discovered it as a reality within myself. After bible stories I read the tales of the Greek mythological heroes and journeyed with them in my childhood fantasies. Did I understand the significance? Not at all. But I must have absorbed something into my sub-consciousness, since my search for the Golden Fleece of the mysterious inner self has been in its own way, just as epic a journey. An uncle gave me the poems of Omar Khayyam when I was about eleven years old. The impact on my was enormous. I struggled to understand the meaning of the words because I knew that they were telling me something important. I had a glimmer even then that the answers to my unformulated but painful questions were to be found, not from outside me, but from within.
Joseph Campbell who studied myths and how the reveal our own inner mysteries to us tells the story of a tigress who, pregnant and weak with hunger came across a herd of goats. She chased one of them, but exhausted she collapsed and gave birth to a baby tiger before she died. The goats came back to investigate and following their maternal instinct, cared for the tiger cub, which was brought up believing he was a goat. He ate grass, which was bad for his digestive system, bleated and grazed quietly with the other goats. A couple of years later another tiger attacked the herd and was surprised to come across the spectacle of a weak-looking tiger among the scattering goats. The big tiger took the youngster to a pond and showed him his reflection. "See, you're a tiger. You don't eat grass and you don't bleat. Now eat this meat." The young tiger protested timidly, but forced some meat down himself and surprised when he blurted out a roar.
The story is one that shows how we might see ourselves, surrounded and absorbed by our community as goats when we are really tigers. It takes reflection; it takes a new way of looking at thing often with the help of someone wiser and more experienced than ourselves. It takes a different diet of understanding before we might get to recognize who we really are. Perhaps we are all tigers imagining that we are goats, because that is what we have been told we are. The problem is that as soon as we roar in the midst of goats they all run away. The secret is to be the tiger and keep it to yourself or to join with other tigers.
Suppose that at the start of your next conversation the other person you were with said to you, "why don't I just listen to what you have to say for fifteen minutes, then maybe you will listen to me for fifteen and afterwards we can each say what we heard the other talk about?" Bizarre? Maybe, but when you try this you will discover that something happens. You will find yourself feeling listened to. You will feel yourself trusted when the other person shares with you.
This first of the five Listening Power stages is possible the most unusual. Yet without it, it is hard for real listening to take place because there is no that it will happen. Listening begins when a contract is established.
Why do I put such an emphasis on listening in the first place? Because I believe that listening opens the door to self-understanding, inner security, empowerment and ultimately the development of each individual to be the authentic, unique and greatest person he or she can be. In seemingly tiny ways, every time we listen something great happens. Relationships are transformed.
Every time a father really listens to his small son instead of telling him what he should be doing, the boy grows to become a little more confident, a little more understanding, a little more able to see that men are patient and loving.
When a teacher listens to her student rather than criticizing her for turning in poor work, the student gets to feel less of a failure, more of a person worthy of attention, more motivated to continue with a challenge, more likely to seek support.
When a boss listens to an employee instead of giving instructions, the employee becomes more willing to offer ideas, to find creative solutions, to take initiatives and to play a full role in the team.
When husbands and wives, or partners in other committed relationships truly listen to each other instead of maintaining a conversational plateau of superficiality or a truce of silence, they will understand each other better, grow in each other's company and strengthen their connection as a couple, while developing as individuals.
All this listening starts with a contract. It is easy as one person saying (or showing) that he or she wants to be listened to and the other saying, "yes, I'll listen."
The transforming of negative thoughts, feelings and actions into positive ones is one of the most powerful and liberating processes that we can experience. In the concentration camps of Nazi Germany, Eugene Heimler discovered that he could survive in a totally negative environment by recalling his earlier happy life and by being determined to make a positive contribution in the future. The result was that he made several attempts to escape, allowing himself to retain his sense of who he was. Fortunately for him and for us he neither escaped (when he would surely have been caught and shot nor were his attempts discovered.
I transformed my own experience of an unhappy childhood in which my mother and other close family members died before I was ten into one where I rediscovered the love that I had received from those family members. I found that not only can one transform the present; it is also possible to transform the past. How we view the future has a strong bearing on how we live in the present. The pessimist sees the future in a negative light, which means that he or she experiences the present negatively. Time has nothing to do with our progress or our development in emotional terms. Past, present and future are all one, since it is our own thoughts and feelings that make time a continuum. Once I changed my perception of my childhood and transformed it into a happy one, my future looked much brighter and my present was, still is and always will be fulfilled and joyful in spite of what my be going on around me. That's not to say I always feel great, but I know that my life is, in essence, far more full of satisfaction than it is of frustration. |